Philadelphians Growing Really Quite Concerned Over City’s Vampire Squirrel Outbreak in Love Park
(Photo courtesy of Kid Hazo)
A new sign today by local street artist Kid Hazo warns already-uncomfortable tourists and Philadelphians walking briskly to-and-from SEPTA alike of the increasing dangers presented by loose vampire squirrels in the city’s Love Park.
The vampire squirrels – distinguishable from more traditional squirrels by their large front fangs, well-coiffed hair and large Instagram followings – have yet to bite a human, and have even fostered a small, yet fervent following with a group of ‘tweens’ calling themselves Squirrelers. Nevertheless, the dangers of blood-sucking squirrels seem apparent enough for most citizens to raise a concern.
When asked about this growing problem, a city official reported that “Well, don’t you think we’re just a little busy over here with all this school funding b.s.” and “Can’t you just walk another way for a bit?”
With no plan currently on the table to address the city’s vampire squirrel problem in Love Park, we at Streets Dept recommend Philadelphians avoid the area at all costs, not that you don’t already.